How to give a cat a pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
PEOPLE & THEIR DRINKS
A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer’s personality on what drinks they ordered? Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
If Women Drink these drinks in a pub ... (not at home)
Beer
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Gin and tonic / Scotch and soda
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.
Water
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don’t.
Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square , Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, Mudshake etc.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you’re in.
Spirits such as Wild Turkey, Southern Comfort
Personality: Watch out, they are unique! A real mixture of personalities. Love to be laid!
Approach: Talk dirty to them whilst challenging them intellectually – you’re in!
Cape Velvet
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait......
.
Spirits such as JACKS, BEAM
Personality: Enjoys male company more than females, loves to party hard
Approach: Keep buying them drinks, they’ll think you’re a nice bloke and they are probably trying to work out how to get you to bed!
IF MEN DRINK in a PUB.. (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
Cider
He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer
He’s poor / student and wants to get laid.
Real Ale Beer
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer
He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Guinness
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
Water
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid
Wine
He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
Port
Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
Whisky/Jack Daniels
He doesn’t give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
Jim Beam
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
Rum or Tequila
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square , Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc
He’s gay (blatantly) - don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change
The results:
If Women Drink these drinks in a pub ... (not at home)
Beer
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Gin and tonic / Scotch and soda
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.
Water
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don’t.
Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square , Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, Mudshake etc.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you’re in.
Spirits such as Wild Turkey, Southern Comfort
Personality: Watch out, they are unique! A real mixture of personalities. Love to be laid!
Approach: Talk dirty to them whilst challenging them intellectually – you’re in!
Cape Velvet
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait......
.
Spirits such as JACKS, BEAM
Personality: Enjoys male company more than females, loves to party hard
Approach: Keep buying them drinks, they’ll think you’re a nice bloke and they are probably trying to work out how to get you to bed!
IF MEN DRINK in a PUB.. (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
Cider
He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer
He’s poor / student and wants to get laid.
Real Ale Beer
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer
He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Guinness
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
Water
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid
Wine
He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
Port
Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
Whisky/Jack Daniels
He doesn’t give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
Jim Beam
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
Rum or Tequila
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square , Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc
He’s gay (blatantly) - don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change
Minimale
Interviu CNBC cu Warren Buffett, al doilea dintre cei mai bogati din lume,care a donat 31 milioane $ pt caritate.
Cateva aspecte f intereante ale vietii lui:
1.- A cumparat prima actiune la 11 ani si regreta ca a inceput prea tarziu!
2.- A cumparat o mica ferma la 14 ani cu economiile din vanzari de ziare.
3.- Si astazi mai locuieste in mica lui casa in Omaha ,cu 3 camere,pe care a cumparat=o dupa ce s-a casatorit, acum 50 de ani. Él spune ca in acea casa are totul.In casa sa nu are nici un tablou sau decoratiuni interioare, statui..
4.- Isi conduce singur masina , nu are sofer si nu are bodyguard.
5.- Niciodata nu a calatorit in avion particular,chiar fiind proprietarul celei mai mari companii de avioane private din lume.
6.-Compania lui, Berkshire Hathaway, are in subordonare inca 63 de firme. Odata pe an, el trimite scrisori directorilor firmelor sale, cu targeturile pt noul an.Niciodata nu convoca reuniuni sau da telefoane zilnice directorilor.
Directorilor lui le-a impus urmatoarele 2 reguli:
Regula 1 :nu pierdeti niciiodata investitile actionarilor.
Regula 2: Nu uitati regula 1.
7.- Él nu socializeaza cu lumea in inalta societate. Isi petrece timpul liber cu o farfurie de popcorn la TV.
8.- Bill Gates, cel mai bogat din lume, l-a cunoscut recent, acum 5 ani.Bill Gates credea ca nu are nimic in comun cu Warren Buffett. Pentru asta, a stabilit o intalnire cu el,programata sa dureze o jumatate de ora .Dar cand l-a cunoscut , intalnirea a durat 10 ore si Bill Gates s-a transformat intr-un fan al lui Warren Buffet.
9.- Warren Buffet nu are telefon mobil si nici laptop pe birou.
10.- Sfatul lui pt tineri: Indepartati-va de cartile de credit si investiti in voi.
AMINTITI-VA:
A. Nu banul face pe om, ci omul face banul.
B. Viata este atat de simpla pe cat v-o faceti voi.
C. Nu faceti ce spun altii, ascultati-i, dar faceti cum simtiti.
D. Nu va imbracati doar cu haine de firma, ci cu cele in care va simtiti confortabil.
E. Nu cheltuiti banii pe lucruri care nu sunt necesare, ci doar pe cele cu adevarat necesare.
F. Pana la urma, viata voastra e a voastra. De ce sa le dati altora sansa sa v-o conduca?
G. Daca banii nu ajuta ca sa-i imparti cu ceilalti, atunci pt ce mai sunt buni?AJUTATI CHIAR DACA NU PUTETI, MEREU CEI CARE STIU SA IMPARTA VOR FI BINECUVANTATI.
H. NU cheltuiti banii pe care nu ii aveti.Cartile de credit, imprumuturile, etc au fost inventate de societatea de consum.
I. Inainte de a cumpara ceva,ganditi-va: Ce mi se intampla daca nu cumpar asta? Daca raspunsul este "nimic", atunci nu cumparati, pt ca inseamna ca nu aveti nevoie.
"Nimic nu am adus pe lume, nimic nu vom lua cand plecam.."
Cateva aspecte f intereante ale vietii lui:
1.- A cumparat prima actiune la 11 ani si regreta ca a inceput prea tarziu!
2.- A cumparat o mica ferma la 14 ani cu economiile din vanzari de ziare.
3.- Si astazi mai locuieste in mica lui casa in Omaha ,cu 3 camere,pe care a cumparat=o dupa ce s-a casatorit, acum 50 de ani. Él spune ca in acea casa are totul.In casa sa nu are nici un tablou sau decoratiuni interioare, statui..
4.- Isi conduce singur masina , nu are sofer si nu are bodyguard.
5.- Niciodata nu a calatorit in avion particular,chiar fiind proprietarul celei mai mari companii de avioane private din lume.
6.-Compania lui, Berkshire Hathaway, are in subordonare inca 63 de firme. Odata pe an, el trimite scrisori directorilor firmelor sale, cu targeturile pt noul an.Niciodata nu convoca reuniuni sau da telefoane zilnice directorilor.
Directorilor lui le-a impus urmatoarele 2 reguli:
Regula 1 :nu pierdeti niciiodata investitile actionarilor.
Regula 2: Nu uitati regula 1.
7.- Él nu socializeaza cu lumea in inalta societate. Isi petrece timpul liber cu o farfurie de popcorn la TV.
8.- Bill Gates, cel mai bogat din lume, l-a cunoscut recent, acum 5 ani.Bill Gates credea ca nu are nimic in comun cu Warren Buffett. Pentru asta, a stabilit o intalnire cu el,programata sa dureze o jumatate de ora .Dar cand l-a cunoscut , intalnirea a durat 10 ore si Bill Gates s-a transformat intr-un fan al lui Warren Buffet.
9.- Warren Buffet nu are telefon mobil si nici laptop pe birou.
10.- Sfatul lui pt tineri: Indepartati-va de cartile de credit si investiti in voi.
AMINTITI-VA:
A. Nu banul face pe om, ci omul face banul.
B. Viata este atat de simpla pe cat v-o faceti voi.
C. Nu faceti ce spun altii, ascultati-i, dar faceti cum simtiti.
D. Nu va imbracati doar cu haine de firma, ci cu cele in care va simtiti confortabil.
E. Nu cheltuiti banii pe lucruri care nu sunt necesare, ci doar pe cele cu adevarat necesare.
F. Pana la urma, viata voastra e a voastra. De ce sa le dati altora sansa sa v-o conduca?
G. Daca banii nu ajuta ca sa-i imparti cu ceilalti, atunci pt ce mai sunt buni?AJUTATI CHIAR DACA NU PUTETI, MEREU CEI CARE STIU SA IMPARTA VOR FI BINECUVANTATI.
H. NU cheltuiti banii pe care nu ii aveti.Cartile de credit, imprumuturile, etc au fost inventate de societatea de consum.
I. Inainte de a cumpara ceva,ganditi-va: Ce mi se intampla daca nu cumpar asta? Daca raspunsul este "nimic", atunci nu cumparati, pt ca inseamna ca nu aveti nevoie.
"Nimic nu am adus pe lume, nimic nu vom lua cand plecam.."
Invidia - Dan Puric
Intr-o zi, vecinul nostru de bloc si-a luat un aparat de aer conditionat. Era un zaduf ingrozitor, dar noi n-aveam aparat de aer conditionat si nici bani ca sa ne cumparam unul. Sufeream de caldura si de invidie. Aveam insa o biblioteca. Ne-am uitat in ea si am scos cugetarile lui Seneca. Am citit de acolo o pagina-doua despre bine si sensul vietii si, desi cald tot ne era, nu l-am mai invidiat pe vecin.
Ceva mai tarziu, vecinul si-a deschis un butic si a inceput sa umble imbracat la costum la patru ace. Noi - tot cu blugi.
Nu-i nimic - ne-am zis linistiti, citind un capitol din Etica lui Spinoza. Apoi vecinul a aparut deodata intr-un Megane argintiu. Noi n-aveam nici bicicleta, dar l-am dispretuit citind din Phaidon al lui Platon. Mai tarziu, vecinul a schimbat Meganul pe Mertan. Nu ne-a pasat, caci si noi il schimbaseram deja pe Platon cu Aristotel. Si-a luat si un 4x4, cel mai mare de pe strada. Noi l-am luat pe Marcus Aurelius, care ne-a facut sa zambim impacati.
A mai trecut o vreme si vecinul si-a luat nevasta noua: blonda, frumoasa, tanara. Noi - tot cu cea veche, dar am luat Evanghelia dupa Ioan. Vecinul si-a imbracat soata cu o garderoba intreaga si cu
blanuri, basca bijuteriile. Noi ne-am imbracat spiritul citind din Eclesiast. In fine, vecinul s-a mutat intr-o vila la sosea cu gard mare, bodigarzi si piscina. Am rezistat si de data aceasta eroic, citind Richard III. A urmat o a doua vila - la munte. Dupa ce am vazut-o, ne-am consolat cu Macbeth. O a treia - la mare: am recurs la Invierea lui Tolstoi, al carei efect l-am consolidat cu Ghilgames, Ghandi si Declaratia de iubire a lui Liiceanu. Ne-am simtit cu mult mai bine.
L-au dat la televizor la o emisiune foarte populara. Ne-am stapanit emotia cu o portie de Caragiale. L-au dat a doua oara cu mare succes: am fi suferit daca nu ne-ar fi ajutat Ananda Coomaraswamy,
Cartea lui Iov si Cazul Wagner al lui Nietzsche.
Asa a trecut ceva mai mult timp... Vecinul isi lua case, masini, iahturi, femei. Noi raspundeam cu Balzac, Thomas Mann, Hegel,Berdiaev. Lupta era stransa, dar echilibrata. In sfarsit, intr-o zi l-au aratat cu catuse la maini, umflat de PNA. Am rasfoit atunci fericiti Apocalipsa. Dar peste vreo doua saptamani, vecinul nostru era eliberat si chiar si-a anuntat candidatura pe listele unui partid majoritar.
Scarbiti, ne-am uitat in biblioteca. N-am mai vazut nimic. Ne-am uitat pentru a doua oara. Nu ne-a venit sa credem. Pentru a treia oara ne-am uitat cu atentie. Acelasi rezultat: citiseram toate cartile.
Si atunci ne-a cuprins invidia...
Popor roman, nu te-ai saturat sa stai pe locul mortului si sa fii condus de toti tampitii?
Dan Puric
Ceva mai tarziu, vecinul si-a deschis un butic si a inceput sa umble imbracat la costum la patru ace. Noi - tot cu blugi.
Nu-i nimic - ne-am zis linistiti, citind un capitol din Etica lui Spinoza. Apoi vecinul a aparut deodata intr-un Megane argintiu. Noi n-aveam nici bicicleta, dar l-am dispretuit citind din Phaidon al lui Platon. Mai tarziu, vecinul a schimbat Meganul pe Mertan. Nu ne-a pasat, caci si noi il schimbaseram deja pe Platon cu Aristotel. Si-a luat si un 4x4, cel mai mare de pe strada. Noi l-am luat pe Marcus Aurelius, care ne-a facut sa zambim impacati.
A mai trecut o vreme si vecinul si-a luat nevasta noua: blonda, frumoasa, tanara. Noi - tot cu cea veche, dar am luat Evanghelia dupa Ioan. Vecinul si-a imbracat soata cu o garderoba intreaga si cu
blanuri, basca bijuteriile. Noi ne-am imbracat spiritul citind din Eclesiast. In fine, vecinul s-a mutat intr-o vila la sosea cu gard mare, bodigarzi si piscina. Am rezistat si de data aceasta eroic, citind Richard III. A urmat o a doua vila - la munte. Dupa ce am vazut-o, ne-am consolat cu Macbeth. O a treia - la mare: am recurs la Invierea lui Tolstoi, al carei efect l-am consolidat cu Ghilgames, Ghandi si Declaratia de iubire a lui Liiceanu. Ne-am simtit cu mult mai bine.
L-au dat la televizor la o emisiune foarte populara. Ne-am stapanit emotia cu o portie de Caragiale. L-au dat a doua oara cu mare succes: am fi suferit daca nu ne-ar fi ajutat Ananda Coomaraswamy,
Cartea lui Iov si Cazul Wagner al lui Nietzsche.
Asa a trecut ceva mai mult timp... Vecinul isi lua case, masini, iahturi, femei. Noi raspundeam cu Balzac, Thomas Mann, Hegel,Berdiaev. Lupta era stransa, dar echilibrata. In sfarsit, intr-o zi l-au aratat cu catuse la maini, umflat de PNA. Am rasfoit atunci fericiti Apocalipsa. Dar peste vreo doua saptamani, vecinul nostru era eliberat si chiar si-a anuntat candidatura pe listele unui partid majoritar.
Scarbiti, ne-am uitat in biblioteca. N-am mai vazut nimic. Ne-am uitat pentru a doua oara. Nu ne-a venit sa credem. Pentru a treia oara ne-am uitat cu atentie. Acelasi rezultat: citiseram toate cartile.
Si atunci ne-a cuprins invidia...
Popor roman, nu te-ai saturat sa stai pe locul mortului si sa fii condus de toti tampitii?
Dan Puric
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