CATS&DOGS! :)

How to give a cat a pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in bacon.

PEOPLE & THEIR DRINKS

A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer’s personality on what drinks they ordered? Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:
If Women Drink these drinks in a pub ... (not at home)



Beer

Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.

Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella

Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.

Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Gin and tonic / Scotch and soda

Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants

Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.
Water

Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.

Approach: Don’t.



Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask)

Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.

Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.



Bacardi Breezer, Red Square , Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, Mudshake etc.

Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.

Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you’re in.



Spirits such as Wild Turkey, Southern Comfort



Personality: Watch out, they are unique! A real mixture of personalities. Love to be laid!

Approach: Talk dirty to them whilst challenging them intellectually – you’re in!



Cape Velvet

Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.

Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.



Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)

Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk.

Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait......



.

Spirits such as JACKS, BEAM

Personality: Enjoys male company more than females, loves to party hard

Approach: Keep buying them drinks, they’ll think you’re a nice bloke and they are probably trying to work out how to get you to bed!







IF MEN DRINK in a PUB.. (As always, very simple and clear cut.)

Cider

He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

Cheap Domestic Beer

He’s poor / student and wants to get laid.

Real Ale Beer

He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer

He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Guinness

The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

Water

He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid

Wine

He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.

Vodka or Brandy

Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.

Port

Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

Whisky/Jack Daniels

He doesn’t give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

Jim Beam

Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

Rum or Tequila

Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

Bacardi Breezer, Red Square , Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc

He’s gay (blatantly) - don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change

woozy windmill whirlwind

back to the board!

M-am decis sa impart cu voi una din noile mele pasiuni din curentul ce poate fi numit cunoaste-te, accepta-te si treci la fapte, si anume hranirea nelinistitului spirit ludic si nestavilitei competitivitati :P prin altfel de jocuri decat cele digitale: jocuri de societate/tabla/carti. Ca avantaje as numi asa: sunt 3D din start :), au un feeling mult mai deosebit, un miros ce poate aminti de primul joc de nu te supara frate! , permit contact direct cu alti jucatori de orice sex blabla etc
Optiunile anti plictiseala variaza de la cartile clasice, sah, table, yacht, risk, monopoly, capital, lider, pana la avansatele Caylus-ul(luck free!) cumparat de curand pt Vio si Shogun-ul de azi! pe lista de shopping si recomandari ar mai fi Hammer of the scots(pt fanii Braveheart) si Twilight conflict...
cateva sit-uri din RO cu astfel de jocuri(reclama gratis): www.cutia.ro www.boardgames.ro www.redgoblin.ro www.playboard.ro
si cel mai important sit/enciclopedie al jocurilor de societate: http://www.gameboardgeek.com/
Omul cat traieste se joaca! :)

it / networking staff ...:)) bancul lunii!!

1. O celula umana contine 75 MB informatie genetica.
2. Un spermatozoid 37,5 MB.
3. Intr-un mililitru sunt 100 milioane de spermatozoizi. In medie, eliberam - la o singura ejaculare - 2,25 ml in 5 secunde.

Deci - logic - latimea de banda a pu*ii: (37.5MB x 100M x 2,25)/5 = (37.500.000 x 100.000.000 x 2.25)/5 = 1 687 500 000 000 000 = 1687,5 TeraBytes/s.

De asemenea, este cel mai ineficient mod de a folosi un mediu de comunicatie. Faci broadcast cu 1687,5 TB/s cu acelasi set de informatie (redundanta uriasa) cu speranta ca poate 37,5 MB din ei vor ajunge la destinatie. In plus, are si o latenta uriasa, primesti ACK-ul cam in 2 luni, si raspunsul la cererea ta se compune in 9 luni.
Si de cele mai multe ori e doar spam!

Acum vine intrebarea... de ce zice lumea ca "imi merge netul ca o p**"

la masculin

Nu eu am scris ce e mai jos, dar parca suna ca si ceva auzit prin capul meu si e prea tare sa nu fie (re)publicat :))

*desigur, nu luati iarasi prea in serios sau ca si o declaratie de intentie completa :)

Sugestii de imbunatatire barbati:

1. La barbati totul tine de atitudine. Mai ai un smoc de par, poarta-l cu mandrie. Chiar daca e deasupra urechii stangi. E smocul tau, restul parului a cazut din cauza unei functionari intense a creierului. Care a supraincalzit calota craniana si a dus la arderea radacinilor. Deci e semn de mare desteptaciune, vultur plesuv ce esti tu.
2. Ai burta, nicio problema. Semn evident de prosperitate. Muritorii de foame nu au burta. Nu au cum sa o formeze, nu au cum sa o o intretina. Indreapta umerii, scoate burta in evidenta, nu-i usor sa faci burta, nu-i usor sa porti o burta. E semn de putere, de coapse de otel ce sint nevoite sa deplaseze o sarcina suplimentara. Zambeste sigur pe tine, calca apasat, imprima burtii o miscare sexy asa cum unele femei au invatat sa paseasca in asa fel incat sa-si puna fundul in valoare.
3. Ai curul mare si turtit dar ai vrea sa-l ai mic si rotund? Ca la asta crezi tu ca se uita femeile? Gresesti. La asta se uita femeile superficiale, care apreciaza aparentele si nu sint interesate de chestiunile profunde. Un cur mare si turtit inseamna munca de birou. De intelectual. Munca de creatie. Un om care are un job de creatie esti creativ pe toate planurile. M-ati auzit, doamnelor, pe TOATE planurile. Un cur turtit inseamna munca de raspundere, de coordonare, inseamna idei, decizie, putere. Cur mic si tare, piept bombat plasat deasupra unui abdomen bine proportionat au intretinutii, filfizonii ce merg la sali ca sa-si poata purta mai apoi tricourile mulate si blugii jerpeliti. Ei nu au altceva in cap decat gantere, ochelari de soare si ritmuri tz tz tz tz de club. Oameni pe care nu te poti baza.
4. Ai bratele subtiri ca trestia si o paloare bolnavicioasa in obraji? Normal. Nu dai la ciocane in gerul iernii. Nu tai coapci in padure. Nu toni betoane in santiere. Paloare-ti marmoreana ti-e data de orele lugi petrecute in culisele puterii, acolo unde se face si se desface lumea. Omule, arata-i femeii buricele degetelor tale, las-o sa vada izvorul creatiei, las-o sa-to vada pielea usor patinata de numaratul banilor, de scrisul cecurilor. Sau de ce nu, al poeziilor. Cati crezi tu ca mai sint ca tine, mult?! Nu, nu mai sint.
Si, vorba aia, barbatul tre sa fie un pic mai frumos decat dracu’. In rest totul tine de atitudine!